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Cool ex vs. bad ex
How to handle messy situations post-breakup.
Published Sunday, February 1, 2009
Although no breakup is pleasant, it’s how you behave after you crush his heart - or vice versa - that can have a significant impact on your mood and outlook on future relationships. So cry your eyes out, then toss the tissues, turn off the TV and vow to be a cool ex when and if you see him or her again. "You can’t control the other person, but you can try to leave with integrity," says psychologist Debra Mandel. "I don’t know too many people who enjoy going through breakups. But I think the more you can reframe it as a learning experience or growing opportunity, the better you’ll feel." Here’s how to handle some common scenarios. Scenario 1: A mutual friend has invited both of you to a party. It’s been two months since he broke it off with you, and you haven’t talked or seen each other since. Suddenly, you spot him with a girl you don’t recognize. ● Cool ex: Walk over to them, introduce yourself and wish them well, Mandel says. "If you feel you’ve just been kicked in the gut, leave the party early," she adds. ● Bad ex: Try to make him jealous. "He doesn’t need to be punished," Mandel says. "He’s moved on, and so should you." Scenario 2: You’re chilling at the park with Baxter, the Shih Tzu you share with your ex. The park has special meaning for both of you, as you spent many a weekend there as a couple. You see your ex walking toward you, and she is alone. ● Cool ex: Be polite and make small talk. "Focus on Baxter and how he’s been doing," Mandel says. ● Bad ex: Use Baxter as an emotional weapon, as in, "The dog enjoys my company better than yours," Mandel says. This ex might also try to create conflict, such as trying to change the agreement over pet custody again. Scenario 3: As a couple, you enjoyed a close relationship with your family. Now that you’ve broken up, however, your mom is still in touch with your ex-girlfriend. At times, it feels as if she’s even aligning herself with your ex, so you have to hear updates about her life. Cool ex: Tell your family that you don’t mind them having a friendship with your ex but you’re asking that they take a temporary hiatus from it. ● Bad ex: A dramatic ex would use this situation to either stir up trouble with the ex’s family or alienate his own. Or worse, Mandel says: "He or she would give the family an ultimatum: ‘Me or her.’ " Scenario 4: It’s time to exchange belongings. You’ve collected all the gadgets he left at your house. And he’s got some of your best dresses. ● Cool ex: Meet in a neutral place, chitchat for a bit, exchange belongings and be on your way. "If it was a rough breakup, I think it’s better to leave the stuff on the doorstep," Mandel says. ● Bad ex: Use the exchange as a fantasy to see the person one last time or to try to get back together. Also, get caught up in the petty ownership of insignificant items. Scenario 5: You had been trying to end it for months, but every time you did, he accused you of cheating. Now, he is spreading rumors about you to friends. Cool ex: Address the issue with your ex. Then, call the friends and clear the air. ● Bad ex: Lower yourself to his standards by calling the friends and talking trash about him.
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Copyright © 2009 The Columbia Daily Tribune. All Rights Reserved.
The Columbia Daily Tribune
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