TAKE 2: An alternative look at the day in sports

By JOE WALLJASPER

Published Wednesday, October 1, 2008

This is the first and probably last edition of something I’ll call: Enough Already (Things I’ve Been Telling My Television For Weeks).

Enough already with helmets flying off the heads of football players. This never used to happen, and now I see it 10 times a game. I propose chinstraps be replaced with HANS Devices.

Enough already with NFL teams wearing throwback uniforms. This stopped being interesting when Al Davis was still sane. If I wanted to watch people in outdated clothing engage in hand-to-hand combat, I’d sit in the grandstands at a NASCAR race at Talladega.

Enough already with football players hurdling defenders. I want to see a Fosbury Flop.

Enough already with the shocking revelations. First, Clay Aiken announces he is gay. Now, Tony Mandarich says he took steroids. I’m going to have to take a personal day just to wrap my head around the new reality.

Enough already with prescription-strength antiperspirant. I don’t care if I’m leaking fluid like a ’75 Impala, there’s no way I’m spending $8.99 on Old Spice Pro+Strength Swagger. If I were to catalog the body parts in need of swagger, armpit would be one notch above gall bladder. I prefer my armpits to know their place.

- Joe Walljasper